Little White Coat

By Heidi Nickerson

August 14, 2012

For another lost little one.

So soft and white

Lined with satin bows

A little hood with bear ears

Hanging sweetly in the boutique.

I touch the velvety fluff

Pull it off the shelf,

And into my eager arms.

As I clutch it to my chest

The world around me fades,

I no longer stand in the little shop,

I am outside.

And I can see her

A perfect little girl

Sunlight dancing off her golden curls

Toddling toward me in fall leaves

Now she’s

Tripping over her first snow

The wind kissing her cheeks,

Turning them bright pink.

And oh!

The giggles!

 As she

Splashes

Through showers of spring

Tears.

Tears?

A downpour of tears!

I can’t see her anymore!

I can only clutch this coat

And wish…

Wish with all my heart

That this is just a nightmare.

I’m still pregnant

I’m still dreaming

Smiling

Counting the days

The weeks

The months.

Two more days till I can hear the heartbeat.

Three more weeks and I’ll feel the baby kick.

Seven more months and she’ll be here!

I'm busy filling my nest

With baby things

Like this beautiful coat!

A coat she’ll never wear.

She has no need for coats in heaven.

But here on earth, we need coats.

Coats to keep us warm 

When our hearts are bitten with cold.

Coats to keep us dry 

When we are drowning in a fallen ocean of tears.

Coats to hang in the closet for another season

With  pockets to hide a hope in

That we reach into later,

And find a long forgotten smile there.

So soft and white

Her angel wings must be…

So soft and white,

Like this little coat.

Miscarriage.

"Little Heart"

My heart echos into stillness
There is no answer to its steady beat
It calls in vain to one who is not there
That faint cry of one so small,
Too small for me to see
Too small for me to hold
But not too small, for my heart to feel.

And now my heart is lonely
And cries, looking for that lost sound
That little heart that calls back to its mother
In its own quick beat of new life,
But it answers no more.

Such tremendous loss
For such a tiny heart
A heart that beats from heaven now
And knows that mine must stop,
Before we're united again.

-HD Nickerson Nov. 27, 2011

Make way, for new baby!

My Closet

I love to organize and de-clutter. For me, it is a passion, a hobby, and a form of creative self expression. Making labels is an art I take very seriously. Color coordinating my clothes is fun and entertaining. Singing cleanup songs around the house occur with the same frequency as "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" it's just who I am.

But the moment I get pregnant, Tidy Heidi joins forces with Mrs. No Nick-knack Nickerson and together they sweep through the house uprooting everything in its wake asking the hard questions a less hormonal version of myself doesn't think to ask. Or doesn't honestly answer....

"Do you LOVE this?"
"Do you NEED this?"
"Have you used this in the last year, how about the last six months?"
"Does it fill your heart with joy?"
"Where are you going to be in the next year, is it coming with you?"
"Really?"
"Honestly?"
"Just answer the question, yes or no."

Maybe it's the thrill of a new life inside me, and all the promise that baby holds. The future bringing me closer to that moment when another human being enters the stage of life and ripples through the eternities leaving everything changed. But I feel such an urgency to make way for growth. For baby. For new life. I want to make room for everything wonderful this child will bring into our home.

And I'm starting today.
Wish me luck.
The next nine months are going to be awesome!

-DD

Miracles never cease

My Beloved Firstborn,

Yesterday...You were a baby.

Today, you are a little boy.

Tomorrow, you'll be a big brother!

Well, actually, it will take nine months.

But it will feel like the bounce of a ball.

The pop of a bubble.

The leap of a frog.

The splash of a puddle.

And then a little bundle.

You will feel all sorts of things,

Curious

Happy

Tired

Furious

Laughy

Riled

Helpful

Quiet

Loud

Jealous

Excited

And proud.

Your feelings are okay,

And you can tell me and daddy about them all.

Sometimes the baby will cry.

Sometimes you will cry.

Sometimes mommy will cry!

Other times you will laugh, 

Or do something that will make the baby happy

Then the two of you will start having fun together!

And, if you choose it, 

There will be love.

There will be a friend for all eternity

Who will always look up to you,

Just because

You are their big brother.

I love you son.

I hope that one day,

You will feel grateful 

To this new baby for making you a brother,

The way I feel grateful to you,

For making me a mother.

Love always,

"Ma mas"