Sunday, June 26, 2011

Golden moment #28 I know what I have to do.

It's a blurry photo, a quick snap shot someone took hastily after my senior voice recital, I'm listening to the recording that was made of the performance. I remember the song I was listening to myself sing, "Ah Je Veux Vivre". It was surreal, it was magical, it was as if the whole universe were my orchestra and I was the grand Diva on the stage of life, the whole world was my audience and everyone cheered for me, clapping their hands and calling out to me "You have found it Heidi, you have found your calling, SING!"

This old snapshot, is one of my favorite pictures any one has ever taken of me. Someone captured the moment in which I was truly, authentically, indescribably happy. I have often thought, my gift was wasted on me, because I haven't done much with it other than this. I didn't pursue music in college, I didn't finish college, and the only person who hears me sing now is my three year old.

But I can't stop. I HAVE to sing. I fall into these dreadful slumps of depression, and sit down on the floor ammidst the messes and the tantrums and as much as I love being a mommy, I just have these moments, when I look at myself and my heart breaks because I've stopped doing something I love. I can not live, and not sing. When I do, everything else starts to go gray. The purpose and reason for doing anything, starts to fade. I have to sing.

I'm not going to let this go on another minute. I don't need to be famous, or make CD's or go on tours, or have a million fans, but I do need to sing, and I do need to share it. I need to know that my voice is uplifting, encouraging, entertaining, and inspiring to someone. I need to give that. I need to share my voice. My heart is racing and I find hot tears lurking just behind my eyes as I write this, because it feels like for the first time, in a long time, I'm finally listening to a part of me that I have silenced for too long. The part of me that is ageless, and wise beyond my knowledge, the part of me that is the best and truest version of myself. She has been crying to be let out, and no excuse will hold her back any longer.

To know this is both frightening, and exciting! Stick around, because once I figure out how to load a video on here, I'll be adding a new aspect to "Domestic Diva Dishes All", the Diva part. 


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